Where Even The Bravest Dwarf Fears To Tread
by LadyOfGlass
Summary: On the night before the Company reaches Lake-Town, the unpleasant and undesirable task of discussing the elf, Tauriel, with the smitten Kili, falls to his older brother. Can Fili explain convincingly that some things weren't meant to be? Movie-verse. Sort of. Fili's POV.


**Author's note: Well, as soon as I heard that Kili would develop a crush on the elf Tauriel, I decided to write a fic about how this goes down with the other dwarves, mainly Fili. And yes, I know that the barrels took them right out of the forest, but I didn't know that when I wrote this, and I haven't thre heart to edit it. So, if Peter Jackson can invent Tauriel, I can invent another mile or two of forest for the company to stay in on the night before they reach Lake-Town. Sorry. **

We had almost reached the edge of the forest. Lake-town was so close that we could see its' rooftops from where we were camped, and beyond them, the Mountain. The atmosphere of excitement and anticipation amongst the company had risen remarkably, and all of us had made a commendable effort to put that nasty business with the elves and spiders behind us and forget about the whole thing.  
Well, almost all of us had...

"Where are Thorin and Blibo?" I asked, swallowing a large mouthful of stew, as most of the Company sat around the fire, enjoying what we'd all begun to refer to as "our last meal before Lake-Town".  
"Back at that clearing - the one nearer the river," Bofur said, feeding the flames another piece of wood that we had hacked off one of the barrels which had been instrumental in our rather abrupt departure from the Elven King's halls "Thorin's trying to teach the burglar some of the finer points of swordfighting."  
There were a few appreciative noises made by our companions at this point - many of whom were doubtless planning to go watch this most likely entertaining spectacle.  
"I thought he did alright with those spiders," I said "Not a bad fighter."  
"He's not an expert, either," said Gloin.  
I looked around the circle of faces, and noticed one more who was conspicuous in his absence.  
"And...Kili?"  
There was a long, uncomfortable silence.  
"He told me he wanted to go for a bit of a walk by himself," Balin said, slowly "He said he needed to do a bit of thinking."  
We all knew what that meant, and as one, all leaned forward a little to confer in hushed tones.  
"He's not right in the head," muttered Dwalin, to a general chorus of 'ayes'.  
Well, much as I wanted to agree, I wasn't about to let anyone say that sort of thing about my brother.  
"It's not his fault that this happened to him!" I protested.  
"Could have happened to any of us," said Bofur, much to my relief coming down on my side.  
This comment, however, didn't really go down very well with our companions.  
"Speak for yourself!"  
"Yeah!"  
Whether this conversation would have lead to a more heated argument we would never know, because at that moment a crunch of footsteps was heard.  
"He's coming back," Ori said, sounding nervous.  
"Well," said Bofur, hastily getting to his feet and beckoning for Bifur to follow him "I'm going to go watch the sword fighting lesson.."  
"Me too," said Dori.  
"And me!"  
"Yeah, I'll go too!"  
"I'll go see to the ponies," said Nori, as he and all the other dwarves began to quickly disperse.  
I realized too late that I'd metaphorically drawn the shortest straw, and that I was going to be the one who'd have to stand his ground and face Kili. I opened and closed my mouth soundlessly, watching my companions disappear into the shadows that clustered between the trees.  
"We - we don't even have any ponies!" I managed to yell at Nori's back, sounding for once quite a lot like Bilbo "You cowards!"  
Balin, the last to leave, gave me a sympathetic look over his shoulder but he too clearly thought that this was my job, not theirs. And then he was gone, and I was alone, sitting by the fire, and silently cursing my dreadful luck.  
I could hear Kili's footsteps behind me, and then he walked into my line of vision, the now familiar dazed look in his eyes as he seated himself across from me.  
I cleared my throat gruffly, hoping for some kind of greeting, but my brother was staring into the flames as if mesmerized by them.  
"Do you want some stew?" I asked after a minute or two, gesturing to the almost empty stew pot that was balanced on the log beside me "We saved some."  
"Mmm...what?" Kili said, distractedly.  
I felt a surge of indignation. How dare the impertinent little idiot ignore me? I wasn't about to let him get away with that...  
"_Do you want any stew_?" I roared, in what, if I may say so, was a spot on imitation of Thorin.  
It was a very effective kind of roar - the sort that would send a warg whimpering back home with its tail between its legs and might even make Smaug himself think twice. As it was, the sound made a whole flock of birds panic and rise, flapping desperately out of the trees around us.  
Kili, who had toppled over backwards, straightened back up again, trying to look as dignified as one can while now covered in moss and dead leaves.  
"I don't see," he began reproachfully "How anyone can expect me to _eat,_ feeling the way I do."  
"You ill, then? Might want Oin to take a look at you, in that case. You can't be getting sick now."  
"I'm not ill!" said Kili "I'm in..._love_."  
He put so much emotion into that last word that I was sorely tempted to thump him.  
"It's that elf, isn't it?" I asked, wearily "That captain of the guard, right?"  
"Yes. She's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen! I tell you, I'm in love with her!"  
I looked around the clearing warily, hoping that none of the other dwarves were within earshot. This really wasn't anyway for a dwarf to talk...  
"And when did you find that out?" I said "While she was taking us prisoner? While she had a knife to your throat as an incentive for me and Thorin to stop fighting? While she was locking you in that nice little cell and throwing away the key?"  
Kili didn't appear to pick up on the substantial amount of sarcasm I was doing my best to use.  
"The moment I saw her," he said, his expression one of fatuous imbecility "Didn't _you _think she was beautiful?"  
"Er..," I said, trying to be tactful "I was a bit busy being tied up and tossed in a cell, myself, to really think about that kind of thing."  
"Her hair is like fire," my brother began "Her eyes are like two, deep, shimmering pools. Her nose is - look can you stop laughing like that? You're putting me off!"  
"Sorry," I said, struggling to compose myself.  
As Kili babbled on, a thought struck me - a nasty, rather uncomfortable thought that dealt mainly with what could be called 'the royal succession'.  
Thorin had no wife and no children, so, in time, I myself would become King Under The Mountain. And if I never married either, and had no heirs, then Kili would be the next one in line.  
Him and his children...  
I stared at my brother in a horrible fascination, a series of frankly disconcerting images running through my mind.  
"So," I said, interrupting him "You intend to bed - er, I mean, wed her?"  
"If she'll have me," said Kili, his head, however empty it was starting to look, apparently not filled with the same disgusting thoughts as mine.  
"Look, Kili," I said, struggling to block all further images that dealt with biological impossibilities "She's twice your height! Even Thorin would need a ladder to...to...kiss her..."  
I trailed off, as another thought struck me, this time a much more pleasant one. I began to cheer up immensely.  
"You know," I said, bounding to my feet and reaching over to pull Kili up after me "Forget everything I just said. I wish you all the happiness in the world with your future bride."  
If Kili had been in his right mind, he would have been a bit more wary of my now slightly devious grin, but he wasn't and he too jumped up, beaming.  
'You think she'll have me, then?"  
I put an arm around his shoulders and began to pull him away from the fire, matching his broad, happy grin as best I could.  
"Of course she will! As soon as we reclaim Erebor, you can send for her and the wedding customs can begin!" I said, watching him out of the corner of one eye as we headed through the forest "And what a wedding it will be! Dwarves will flock to Erebor to see the marriage that will be attended by Thorin Oakenshield himself, King Under The Mountain!"  
I saw Kili's face turn a sickly shade of grey and he stumbled over a particularly large tree root and would have fallen but for my arm around his shoulders. As it was, we staggered along for a few seconds like contestants in a three legged race at a fair, before Kili brought our progress to a halt.  
"Th-Thorin?" he gasped.  
"The very dwarf! And won't he be proud of you - putting aside all those _misunderstandings_ that we have had with the Mirkwood elves, and wedding one of King Thranduil's most trusted captains! Why, I can't imagine what he'll say!"  
"Gnnng," Kili said, indistinctly, and it was clear that he knew _exactly_ what Thorin would say.  
I felt almost guilty for a moment, then decided that in the long run, this was all for my brother's benefit.  
"In fact," I said, brightly "Let's go tell him right now!"  
In the long silence that followed this suggestion, Thorin's voice drifted up to us, through the trees, from where he was conducting his sword fighting lessons.  
"Look, _my _sword is up _here_, which means that you have ample opportunity to duck in under my guard and _stab_..."  
He sounded as he often did while talking to our burglar these days - sometimes impatient or stern, but always with affection underneath.  
Kili looked at me, and I looked back. At last he broke the silence.  
"What's it called when you decide that you're not going to get married?" he asked, carefully "Starts with 'c'..."  
I thought about this one for a minute or two - this wasn't really my area of expertise.  
'Celibate? You could take up celibacy," I offered.  
"Right, that's the one. And you know, brother, that's just what I intend to do," Kili said with a sigh that was a bit too dramatically melancholy "A life alone and unloved."  
"What? What about me and Thorin? What more do you need?" I asked, grinning.  
Kili grinned back, reluctantly at first, and then more cheerfully.  
"True, true."  
"Right," I said, starting off again towards the clearing from which muffled thumps and the cheers of our fellow dwarves as they watched the fighting lesson "Now that we've got that sorted, let's go join the fun."


End file.
